Does Marriage Ruin Everything?

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Jaelash

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she kept going on and on about her boyfriend, she talked about how smart, good looking and gentle he was. She went on to say that they had been dating for over 20years and I was shocked so I asked what are you guys waiting for? Why don’t you get married? And her response was MARRIAGE RUINS EVERYTHING.

She went on to say that she had been married a couple of times and none of them seemed to last for more than 5 years. She said the men were good, they were in love but that there was just something that seemed to happen once they got married and it ends up ruining everything and now that she isn’t married to her boyfriend they have been together for over 20 years.

Sad to say but there are many people out there who feel the same way. However, marriage itself does not ruin relationships rather; the people involved are the ones who do ruin it.

When dating or courting, people tend to be generous and not selfish. They tend to pull out all the stops to make each other happy; they find time for each other.

For some strange reason when people get married I think they develop this “sense of duty”…… they tend to get carried away by their spousal duties that they forget to nurture the thing that brought them together in the first place.

The fact that you are married should come with benefits/blessings attached to it. Marriage shouldn’t be a curse. Marriage is supposed to be an upgrade or an enhancement to your relationship…….

When you say something has been enhanced or upgraded, it means that it has been empowered to yield better results. God instituted marriage to yield better results. That’s when I hear scriptures like “1 can chase a thousand but 2 can put 10 thousand to flight I get excited because I know that as a married lady I and my spouse have been empowered to cover more grounds.

In as much as marriage leads to having kids, more responsibilities, it should also lead to creating a stronger and enjoyable bond between you and your spouse. It shouldn’t lead to the end of the loving relationship you shared with your spouse prior to marriage.

Proverbs 4:18 But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. In order words the law of diminishing effect shouldn’t be taking place in your marriage. In a marriage context, the love that exists should only get stronger and stronger. If yours seems to be diminishing, you better start seeking positive ways to fan the flames.

When things start going sour I’ll advice you to:

Start with a relationship check. You and your spouse need to assess your relationship with God. Make sure that the communication lines between you, your spouse and God are still open.
Try to find out what has changed in each other between your dating years and now. Look out for things that could have changed for example not spending enough time together, the probability that you might be taking your spouse for granted, etc)
Make sure that you are not keeping your marriage in the back seat while you focus on other things such as kids, work, pleasing other people etc.

Finally, this list in no way exhausts all the possible causes for problems in marriages. Please feel free to add some more suggestions so that other readers will be informed.

Having said that, marriage is such a beautiful thing and it’s an empowerment to prosper or cover greater horizons. You may reading this article and you are married and you may not getting along with your spouse or your marriage doesn’t look like it has been empowered to prosper in order words your marriage doesn’t look either appealing or attractive . I want you to take a moment and think about what you desire your marriage to be (loving, financial breakthroughs, quiver filled with healthy and well behaved kids, peaceful, etc).

Hold your spouses hands if you can and begin to speak these words into your marriage. For it is God’s desire that you walk in the fullness of the blessing that marriage has got to offer.

Posted in Marriage | Tagged empowered, marriage, prosper, relationship, ruin, success | 11 Comments

Courtship Dating games

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Jaelash

This post is dedicated to all those out there who at one time or the other have either made some wrong dating choices, made a bad choice of a partner or are currently in a relationship that is headed towards marriage.

The average person wouldn’t wake up one morning see a child molester, wife beater, gold digger, a lazy woman or better still someone with NO FUTURE AMBITION and still get married to such a person.

If such a case exists please seek counseling or send me an email. With divorce rates and unhappy marriages at an all time high coupled with stories such as: “we dated for 2 years and my husband was cool calm and calculated but after we got married he changed and started having anger management problems. In fact his out bursts of anger have become alarming.” Or “Oh my God! She is so lazy and demanding how come I never knew”.

The truth is this, you may have always known. The next question I anticipate from the reader is….. How could that possibly be?

My Response is: If you can be sincere with yourself and think long and hard enough in most cases you will agree that these character traits that are being exhibited by your spouse have already been displayed prior to marriage in one form or another but in tiny bits and you ignored them. I guess you assumed you could handle them.

Whenever your dating, courting or doing whatever you are doing I would advice that whenever you come across strange character traits, always pause and ask yourself if can handle it or how you are going to be able to handle it if this trait ever gets fully blown.

Let’s say you are getting married to a well known player, chances are that he might still be a player when he gets married to you. NOTE I am not saying he will be cheating on you. The key WORD here is MIGHT.

Likewise a lazy woman or man. Do not expect him/her to become hard working over night. I mean it’s possible for the person to change over time.

Now lets take a look at a different scenario where guy or lady who is too busy with work to spend time with you during courtship. Now you do not need a prophet to tell you that this is an obvious red flag. If you can handle the loneliness by all means please ride on.

These are only words of caution and not absolutes. My advice to you is weigh all your options and leave no stones un turned before you leap.

Note at the end of the day no one is perfect and I am not saying that because you find some character flaws in your proposed spouse you should quit the relationship all I am saying be careful in making your choices and know the character traits you think you can handle or those you know that you can’t accept and take it from there. For example there are guys who can’t stand ladies that are lazy or filthy in that case it would be adviceable for you to let such a lady go. Likewise there are those who wouldn’t mind a lazy lady because they do not mind cleaning up after her or doing the household chores. Again it’s all about choices.

Finally, do not get married to an ungodly spouse and expect them to be Godly. If you get married to them they may or may not change and even if they do change you may have to go through a really crazy path for that to happen. Hence its a lot easier to just get married to a Godly spouse.

Posted in Courtship/ Dating | 4 Comments

Discernment – An important tool to have

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Jaelash

After reading the title I guess you may be saying “oh wow she has gone spiritual or churchy on us”. Desperate times like these call for real measures to be taken.

Whenever you turn on the news stations or go on the internet you see headlines like “divorced after X weeks of marriage”, “Jack beats up Jill” “Jane gets married to John a week after Sam”. “Sue cheats on Billy”. It just feels like one of all those soap opera’s. Hence, the importance of discernment can not be overemphasized.

Discernment is the ability to perceive, uncover and bring to light that which is hidden. If you read my last post “The marriage company” we established that most people seem to change after they get married and that it might have been that they were pretending to be nice or it could also be something that happened unconsciously too.

Whatever the scenario may be, we need to be able to discern or read in between the lines. My husband says he Knows when people are lying. He says when you ask them a question and they want to lie, their eyes roll upwards and move to the right. I know it sounds funny and it may be true. However; there are people who have mastered the art of lying and deception such that they lie spontaneously. In fact they can even scale through the lie detector or the polygraph test. The question is if you come across such a person, what will you do or how will you know if the person is being real or fake?

The bible says “the Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God” (1 Corinthians 2:10). With God’s spirit fully operational in your life you will be able to accurately discern between good and evil. Now am not saying you will begin to see men with horns or women with claws (do not rule it out though LOL) but you will get to a point were in as much as you LOVE this person you may begin to feel uneasy. You know the feeling you get when you feel like there is just more to this person than meets the eyes – trust your senses and let go.

Also you may be thinking that the ability to discern is to be used just for picking out a spouse on the contrary it can be applied to all aspects of our lives. Haven’t heard about kids that were seemingly perfect, had straight A’s, went to church, came from good homes etc in a nutshell they had everything going on for them and you wake up one morning to hear that they committed suicide. When things like this happen people begin to wonder what happened but if the kid had someone that had a strong spirit they would have known that something was wrong.

Finally there are many ways in which discernment can be applied in our lives be it our jobs, friends, hmmmm now that’s a touchy subject you know those friends that smile with you and behind your back laugh at you. The ability to discern will shine the light on some really goofy friends so you will know how to compose your self around them.

I’d like to stop here because I can go on an on But this is about marriage right? I would encourage everyone to build up their spirit man so that when you are faced with certain situations, you would not necessarily be waiting on someone to tell you what to do but you would either know what to do or have an idea on what to do.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on this. I look forward to learning from you.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

The Marriage Company

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Jaelash

Marriage is like setting up a company. You do not want to set up a company with someone who has totally different views from you. If you do, your marriage can be likened to a disaster waiting to happen.

A good company hires employees who not only have the qualifications that fit the job description, but they hire employees who will also fit into the company’s corporate culture. In other words do not pick a spouse solely on looks, the amount of money in their wallet or some other physical standard you might have set up. All these in themselves are good. After all I wouldn’t expect you to get married to someone that you are either ashamed of or someone that you are not attracted to. That in its self would be a ridiculous expectation on my part.

However, you also need to consider how or if this person will fit into your visions, goals and purpose. You can start by answering following questions. What has this person got to offer and how does it align with your overall vision and plan for your life bearing in mind that you are supposed to be a team?

Having answered the question you can now decide to either go ahead with your marriage plans or call it quits. It might be painful if you have to quit the relationship but it will be worth every bit of it in the long run. It’s sad to say but COMPATIBILITY in this area is a commonly overlooked feature when choosing a spouse. When people skip this process and they tend run into problems, and we start hearing comments like ‘we are not compatible’, ‘we are getting divorcé’, ‘we have irreconcilable differences’, ‘we do not have the same goals’ and so on. These are things that should be looked into during COURTSHIP instead of running in and out of each other’s legs…… No offense intended for real but there are more important issues to concentrate on besides you’ll have more than enough sex when you get married.

Having said that, it is common knowledge that during courtship people do not let their guard down but after marriage, when they become more relaxed and comfortable, we begin to see them for who they truly are (This act might either be conscious or unconscious). Hence people start asking this question. How do I know that there are no massive skeletons in my proposed spouse’s closet?

Different people have their answers to this question but I will say you need to have the ability to discern.

Stay tuned for more on discernment.

Posted in Marriage | Tagged company, dating, discern, marriage, relationship | 3 Comments

A little comic relief

Posted on April 27, 2012 by Jaelash

A little comic relief wouldn’t harm anyone

I know this is supposed to be a post about relationships and marriages but I guess a little comic relief wouldn’t harm anyone. Below is a conversation that transpired between my four year old kid Elle and her dad.

Day 1

ELLE: Dad can I have a snack
DAD: You get breakfast at school, you can have some when u get back.
ELLE: But I’m not the one who wants it my tummy says it wants it.
DAD: Tell your tummy it can have it when it gets back from school.
ELLE: but daddy my tummy has no ears so it can’t hear me.
DAD: does it have a mouth?
ELLE: daddy that’s funny, of course not.

DAD: then it can’t eat cos it doesn’t have a mouth can it?

DAY 2

ELLE: Daddy my tummy wants some snack.
DAD: but how did it tell u, it has no mouth? Remember?
ELLE: uhmmmm… Sign language?
DAD: Wow! But how will it eat?
ELLE: The tummy was sick yesterday so the doctor took out the mouth, ears and eyes but the tummy is now ok and the doctor put it back.
DAD: Laughs and let’s the tummy have its way.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Fortune 500 Marriage

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Jaelash

Fortune 500 Marriage

You are probably wondering what fortune 500 has got to do with marriage or relationships. Well this post is so titled because most readers will be able to relate such companies to relationships based on the illustrations that follow.

Everyone will like to own the next big thing. Most people ride on the success stories of mega companies like Microsoft, Apple, Facebook, etc. For those that are not familiar with these stories here is a brief recap.

Bill Gates, the co-founder of Microsoft Corporation is known to be one of the richest men in the world. Microsoft is known worldwide as one of the most recognized brands in the computing Industry. Bill gates dropped out of school to set up his company with the aim of placing computers on all office desks and homes. However from the company’s inception, Bill gates and Microsoft have been in and out of court houses due to his ambitious and aggressive business strategies.

Steve Jobs; popularly known as one of the founders of Apple Inc, dropped out from college, started a company with his friend, was kicked out/voted off his company by the board of directors.

Zuckerberg turned down several offers by major corporations to sell Facebook. His reason being that facebook wasn’t all about the money but about making the world open by enhancing free flow of information.

In a nutshell all these great companies had their own fair share of challenges and temptations but one key thing associated with these three companies is that they each had a clear cut VISION, PASSION and an UNSHAKABLE WILL to see their desires come to pass.

All marriages like these companies have their own fair share of heat. Marriages like Microsoft can be successful but occasional ups and downs are to be expected in terms of difference in opinions, arguments, anger etc. All these are bound to happen and the fact that these issues crop up does not mean that you have a failed marriage rather certain things might need to be worked on.

Also issues in marriages can escalate to the point where it looks like the only way for peace to reign is by getting a divorce. You may also be in a situation where another person is about to or has even replaced you in the life of your spouse. In other words you aare about to be kicked out of your home. A situation like this isn’t when you start turning on the blame game. The blame game up till this point hasn’t worked in your favor anyway. A situation such as this calls for a self-assessment. Some people would go for marriage counseling, visit soothsayers, read all the marriage books, and talk to friends. But what will you do when you’ve done all you can and still nothing changes. You turn to God.

Let’s take another scenario where you get married and things are not working out well in fact your marriage has lost its spark and a knight in SHINNING armor shows up with a tight Resume(lots of money, sensual looking, fame etc.), and you are tempted to ditch your spouse because it looks like they’ve got something better to offer remember all that glitter’s is not gold.

Finally the word “Fortune 500” is synonymous to greatness, success. It’s something everyone desires to have or be associated with. Right now there might be nothing fortune fivehundred-ish (excuse my grammar) about your situation. Have faith, believe in God and let him guide you into victory. The bible says those who are led of God are the sons of God and no good father would give his son a snake when the son asks for a fish. God is willing to give you the Fortune 500 marriage if you desire it. His conditions are

Be willing
Be obedient

And you will eat the good of the land in other words you will have your fortune 500 marriage.

Posted in Marriage | 1 Comment

Mending Fences

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Jaelash

Mending Fences

Have you ever attended a wedding ceremony and heard things like: “awww… cute couple”, “lovely couple” etc. And someone out of the blues just says, “yeah right let’s see how long they are going to last….”

Have you ever heard weird phrases like marriage is not a bed of roses? Well, I’d never expected it to be, like everything else in the world today. The truth is, people are unhappy in their marriages and many have adopted either the endurance mentality or the quit mentality. We live in a society where many have mastered the art of playing the pretend game by making other people believe that their marriages are wonderful, perfect. They take nice pictures and have them posted on facebook while in reality, behind that perfect poise, elegance and perfect picture lays so much pain.
This post is written for those who are tired of the pretend game and desire change or for those who want to nip it in the bud before things get out of hand.
It’s funny but it’s really easy to keep on playing the blame game. You can either start doing something to effect a positive change in your relationship or keep on blaming your spouse.
It’s your choice.

It’s amazing to know that the lack of love or nagging isn’t necessarily the issue rather they are results of seeds that had been sown.
If you’re in doubt, why is it that when your spouse makes up her mind to stop nagging and start paying more attention to you, it never seems to last? Or you expect love from your spouse but you don’t receive it. Do not forget that a person that doesn’t have love (God) isn’t capable of dishing out what they lack?
The first step in mending broken fences in your marriage or relationship is introducing the Love (God) factor. The bible says love covers a multitude of sin (1 Peter 4:8). Hence with love on board, you will be able to look beyond the hurt and start taking baby or giant steps towards making things right.
Just like a pregnant woman would go to a gynecologist and not a brain surgeon, and you would go to a Ford dealer instead of a Toyota dealer to get replacement parts for your Ford car, you would need to let someone who understands you better fix the problem.

His name is Jesus and he is the porter and you’re the clay in his hands. Let him mould you and make you what you ought to be. Let him mend your marriage or broken relationships and if you are tired of the status quo (pretending) just let go and let God.
Jeremiah 18:1-7 like the clay is in the hands of the porter so are you in the hands of the mighty God. If he decides that there are character flaws or habits that need to be taking down in order to get optimum result. Then just let him take it off, let him take the lead and you would turn out just fine.
Having said that, for the singles reading this note, before you set sail into the marriage journey, it is expedient that you bring God onboard to be able to weather the storms you would face along the way or bear the consequences without complaining or blaming someone else. Ask or read about Jesus and his disciples and the storm they encountered while sailing and you will know that it pays to have God on board (Smiling face).

Posted in Marriage | Tagged lovely couple | 3 Comments

He wants, She wants

Posted on April 9, 2012 by Jaelash

He wants, She wants

Every man desires his wife to be the proverbial proverbs 31 woman whose worth is far more than rubies, one he can trust, who does him good, one who is wise, strong, multi talented, hardworking, non nagging etc. In a nut shell they want a virtuous woman. When a wife is disobedient, those familiar with the story of Esther and queen Vashti would subtly threaten their wives by referring to how queen Vashti was dethroned due to disobedience and Esther took over. In order words they want an obedient wife.

On the flip side, asides the prince’s in the fairy tale movies, women also have needs. The want men with some Boaz anointing spiced up with some TLC (Tender loving Care). By Boaz anointing I mean a man who first loves God, love, cares, provides for and protects his wife. (For more on Boaz you can Google the story on Ruth and Boaz)

A woman actually needs a man who can bring out the best in her. At this point I can hear the ladies cheering, bringing down the house with their whistles but taking care of you or bringing out the best in you does not necessarily mean filling up your make up stash, a closet filled with clothes or lots of food in the refrigerator. All these in themselves are good but I want you to know that a man with the Boaz anointing on him nurtures and cultivates you in order to bring out the best in you.

Note: The nurturing process might not always feel good but it’s necessary to bring out the best in you. For those who can talk to roses ask them why they look so good? Well they do because they have a good caretaker who has learnt how to take care of them. A caretaker who fertilizes their soil, water’s them and prunes them as the case may be. Men am not saying beat up or bully your wives and then turn around to buy them diamond bracelets. Godly wisdom is profitable to direct.

Dealing with women can get quite complicated, there are general rules e.g. (love your wife) and there are specific rules which stem from the fact that what works for lady A may not necessarily work for lady B. In order to get this right you would most likely have to get it right with God first and get enrolled in the course on how to get treatment combo for the particular lady you’re dealing with. I assure you if the woman wasn’t the proverbial proverbs 31 woman when you started in the end she would turn out to be one.

Things to note:

When a man wants a woman whose price is worth more than rubies, he should ask himself if he can take care of and maintain this ruby.
Rubies are meant to have good quality, class etc. the question is, are you going to be intimidated by this ruby? If you are please change your direction, hit the highway or leave the ruby alone.
You want a woman you can trust but are you trust worthy. Do you have challenges keeping pants/trousers up? This goes for the ladies too.
You want a wise woman but do you let your ego get in the way of her wise counsel? If she isn’t wise enough, you shouldn’t have married her in the first place.
Multiple talents and hard work multiply in a Godly, peaceful, loving and supportive environment.

For the women so you are sad that you married husband who has no form of Boaz anointing on him not to talk about a little TLC on the side. Do not be discouraged. Keep on working on being the best proverbs 31 woman that you can be. I’ll tell you a short story. There was this king from Persia who needed a wife so he sent for all the fair maidens in the land to be groomed for a period and then brought to him one after the other so that he could pick out his queen. These fair ladies were given the full spa treatment, groomed and had their individual makeovers, they were presented to the king one after the other. Esther wasn’t the first lady to go to the king but she found favor in the eyes of the king and became the queen because she found favor with God and God had a plan for her. For the real version of the story take a look at the book of Esther in the bible.

There maybe many things vying for your husbands love and attention like the ladies seeking the kings attention but keep on having fun while transforming yourself to the woman you ought to be at the proverbs 31 spa and one day God will cause your king to change his focus to you.

Posted in Marriage | Tagged happy, marriage, men, satisfacion, succesful marriage, what men want, what women want, women | 3 Comments

The original plan for marriage

Posted on April 4, 2012 by Jaelash

The Original Plan For Marriage

Wow this is going to be my first post ever and I didn’t think it was wise to start up a marriage related blog without talking about Gods original plan for marriage. I looked up the definition of marriage by Merriam Webster’s dictionary and this was the definition that was given:

The state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2): the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage

When I saw the first definition I smiled and I thought even Merriam Webster acknowledges that marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman until I read the second definition.

The truth is I do not blame them because the society in which we live today has gotten so twisted and perverted that we have come to believe that everything goes once it is approved by a particular group of people even kids grow up to loathe marriages because of the obscene things they have been exposed to. These kids have been exposed to violence, murder; bullying, rape etc so I understand their decision to loathe marriage.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong in not wanting to get married after all eunuchs are still in existence. However, there is everything wrong with not wanting to get married because of things you have either heard or been exposed to. If you are such a person I encourage you to seek help or Godly counsel because you need a re-orientation on what marriage actually is and decisions such as these should be made with a clear and healthy mindset.

Living in a society where everything goes, we need to ask or remind ourselves from time to time how it was in the beginning.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and earth, stars, the moon, birds, trees, fish etc and when he was done he said in verse 26 let us create man in our own image after our own likeness , let them have dominion……………. His desire was for man to rule and reign over the affairs of the environment in which he had placed him.If you read Genesis 1 vs. 27 said he created male and female. Vs 28 they were given the mandate to be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth.

Vs 31 said he looked at everything he created and said it was VERY good.

Chapter2 vs18 And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helpmeet for him.

Chapter 2vs 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Chapter2vs25 and they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Things to note that were there from the beginning:

The aim of creating man was to rule, reign and have dominion over the affairs of the earth or as I would like to say rule and reign over the environment in which he finds himself having absolute control over situations(sickness, poverty). In fact if you read through, God had already made provision for man.
Be fruitful, multiply and replenish the earth doesn’t come across to me like families were meant to be poverty ridden, suffering, jobless or not yielding positive results rather I expect that whatever a man finds himself doing, within the right context , yields good results, continues to increase and spill over to other territories. In order words, when I get married I should have kids that eventually have their own kids and so on, my marriage or work of my hands should be so blessed that it begins to trickle down to other people to improve them either in the form of inspiring them to do better or to bless them with gifts.
In the beginning he neither created Adam and Steve nor Adrienne and Eve. He created male and female, man and woman, Adam and Eve.
He created woman to be a help meet also known as an assistant not to be the slave or punching bag.
They were both naked the MAN and his WIFE and not ashamed. Sex is for married couples not boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancée/fiancé and definitely not for “friends without benefits” i.e. those who meet up just for sexual purposes without strings attached.

The fact that crazy things are becoming the norm doesn’t necessarily mean that they are right. God is not condemning anyone, although He (God) is against such acts. He is reaching out to ALL today with love through the blood of His son.

At times we are tempted to condemn one act and rate it higher than the other but the truth is that they all carry the same weight in the sight of God.

With divorce, rates, violence and infidelity at an all-time high, people are beginning to wonder if it’s actually worth it to get married. Is it really worth it?

Marriage can be a very beautiful thing. You can actually have something similar to the princess and prince charming stories with a little twist to the stories where the prince charming maybe a slightly bald man with some character flaws and the princess a regular everyday woman.

Marriage isn’t made up of 2 perfect people but 2 two imperfect people coming together to complement each others’ weaknesses. Marriage wasn’t necessarily ordained just for sex and procreation but also for companionship. I know some guys may be saying right now….. my buddies are my companions hanging out with them can be so much fun moreover I can run to them whenever I need some help so why should they bother getting married?

Asides the fact that the bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the lord, the kind of favor that does not come by hanging around with your buddies,

there is also this joy in coming home to yours spouse after a hard days’ work knowing that you can unwind and share the victories and challenges that you have encountered that day. You know that you can have a helpmeet with which you share a common goal, one that has your best interest at heart, one without ulterior motives but one whose success is yours. One with whom to you can take over the world…….remember we read earlier that we are to be fruitful multiply, replenish the earth, have dominion (Conquer). The the bible says one can chase a thousand while two can put ten thousand to flight.

This post is actually getting longer than I had planned but one thing I want you to know is this: regardless of what we have either heard, seen or experienced, marriage can actually be a beautiful thing and regardless of the state of your marriage, restoration is possible.

Stay tuned for more posts from Jaelash!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged beginning, bi sexual, gay, getting married, is it ok to be gay, straight | 8 Comments