Divorce truths

I have heard statements like ‘we woke up and suddenly realized that we were strangers’, ‘ I didn’t see the divorce the coming’, ‘if anybody had told me I would be getting a divorce I would have laughed them to scorn’ etc.

Truth be told suddenlys’ and surprises with regards to divorces and separation in marriages are a little bit over rated. Suddenlys’ seem to crop up when you choose to ignore the salient truths that have been staring at you.

The breakdown or destruction of any marriage is a gradual process. It happens by overlooking the little the things that do not seem to matter.

In every marriage or relationship, every negative deviation from the normal trend, regardless of how minute it may be, has the potential to break your home. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘little foxes that spoil the vine’?

Every marriage should be considered a vine that has the potential to yield great fruits or results. When a normal person decides to get married, they do not plan to get married expecting the marriage to fall apart. However, if the desired outcome of the marriage is divorce, it should be considered a success because divorce was part of the original plan.

Just like the owners of vineyards protect their vines (investments) from foxes by making sure that the foxes do not have access to the vines, so do couples have to do all it takes to keep out everything that either threatens or has the potential to threaten your marriage.

Songs of Solomon 2:15 says

“Catch us the foxes,
The little foxes that spoil the vines,
For our vines have tender grapes.”

 

I love the first line that talks about ‘catching the foxes’. In a marriage you encounter foxes like strife, malice, suspicion, people, un resolved issues etc. You need to make up your mind from the beginning that you wouldn’t let anything come between you and your spouse.

Note to couples:

  • Leave no issues pending or unresolved. All issues must be resolved
  • Confront and address any form of suspicion and make sure all cards are placed on the tables. (This should be done without screaming or yelling at each other.)
  • Be careful in your dealings with people and at all times, remember you and your spouse are to present a united front.
  • Always bear it in mind that there is no issue that is beyond repairs.

Share

Posted in Marriage | 6 Comments

Love truths

Love means different things to different people, some are for love, and some are not. Some people who claim to hate it still go out in search of it. Almost everyone talks about love; they sing about it, write about it, preach it and even fight for it. Some people describe love as a temporary butterfly feeling in your stomach when you see the person you are supposed to be in love with. This makes me wonder what happens when the butterfly feeling is no longer there.

The truth in a nutshell is this: too many people struggle with the idea called love, they get into relationships hoping to find love but are actually unsure as to what love actually is. Here are some salient truths about love

Love is patient – If someone actually loves you they will be patient with you. Ask all the lovers out there and they will tell you the amount of ‘crap’ they take from their loved ones, they may also tell you that they wouldn’t be able to take an ounce of it from someone that they are not crazy about. Note if you are dating someone who is always impatient, now that’s a definite RED FLAG.

Love is kind not vicious or malicious.

Love covers multitudes of sin – in order words it forgives. Beware of people who keep up dredging up the past. If you can’t move beyond the past hurts it means there can be no future; so call it quits and stop wasting precious time.

Love is fearless – The bible says perfect loves casts out all fear. If you are in a relationship and you always feel threatened by the other man or woman you need to address such issues as soon as possible before that which you fear comes upon you. In order words, you get to loose your man or woman.

Love seeks ways to give – love doesn’t seat around waiting to receive all the time- imagine a relationship or marriage with 2 lovers. Hmmmm now this leaves a lot to be desired. I guess the sky would be the starting point in terms of joy and happiness because they always put the other person first by seeking ways to please them.

Love protects – Love has always got your back. Love doesn’t bash you in your absence. Love will go over and beyond to protect the beloved even if it means praying for the beloved.

Love builds up and does not prey upon the weaknesses of the supposed beloved.

Love believes the best in the loved. It spurs you on to be the best person that you could possibly be.

If someone loves you, they should be interested in everything that concerns you. I am not saying that they must love your job but at least they should be interested enough to have an idea about what you do and why you do what you do. For those who already have kids, if someone loves you, they should also be able to love and be interested in your kids.

Love causes a lady to blossom and guys to whistle. I guess it brings some form of music in the air.

Having listed all the beautiful things about love, I know that it is possible to find love and one sure way to finding love is searching for someone who knows and loves God. 1john 4:8 says “He who does not love, does not know God for God is love”. I’ll go a step further to say that he or she who doesn’t know God isn’t capable of receiving the dividends of love even if it’s being handed over to them on a platter of gold.

Yes I agree with the songs, the novels, the magazines the movies and other instruments of love proclaiming that love is such a beautiful thing, it exists, it can be found  and can be experienced but it has to be found in the right way. What do you think?

Copyright @ Jaelash July, 2012

Share

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Write the Vision

 

Habakkuk 2:2 “Write the VISION make it plain that he may run who reads it” I love this passage so much. Many people apply this scripture in one form or another. The project manager would call it the scope statement, the engineers or architect will call it plan or blueprint, the business mogul calls it mission statement while the Christians or religious people call it vision.

The names are interchangeable it actually depends on what each entity, profession or individual decides to call it. I just wanted to state a fact that people apply this scripture in one way or the other.
A man who wants to be successful will spend quality time making his wife understand his visions and goals because once she does and her spirit catches unto it, she will move the heavens and earth to see that vision come to pass.

Once she understands the plan and her spirit catches unto to it, there is no limit to what can be accomplished. Note she doesn’t take over your job but seeks ways to enhance it. Just give her something to work with and your proverbs 31 woman will go over and aboard to make it happen.
A real woman will pray about the vision, she will think and meditate on the ideas that have been shared with her and after thinking, she will come back to you and bounce ideas with you which could trigger some new thought processes and ideas.
She also creates a conducive environment for you to work that is why you find most women taking care of the home front (even if they have a well paying job) so that their husbands can go out, confront, conquer and bring in the goods.
I read about the proverbs 31 woman again and realized that she was actually on a mission to accomplish something and I noticed that all she was doing was making sure that her home functioned at an optimum level. In other words her home had everything it needed and more. I encourage all men to give their wives something to work with. Do not let her dry up or waste away. Women are born with the innate ability to process stuff and produce useful results. All you need to do is sow something. In this case you sow an idea or a vision.
I often hear men say ‘my wife doesn’t get it’, ‘we are not on the same page’ etc. Some say they want their wives to be stay at home moms but their wives want to become career women. Men before you get married; during courtship you should already have a plan or Vision and share it with your wives to be. Habakkuk 2:2 “Write the vision, make it plain that he may run who reads it” at least the woman will have an idea on what she is getting into. Do not blind side her and expect her to go along with your plans happily.
If you have plans for a smoother transition to success you need to have a plan and let her in on it before you get married and if you are already married, it’s not too late to develop one and I believe you will be well on your way to success.

Copyright @ Jaelash  July, 2012

Share

Posted in Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

Recreating your world

 

I often hear people make statements like they are old enough to get married; they are going to get married when they have a steady source of income blah blah and some more blah. On this particular day I came across a guy who kept on going on and on about how ready he was for marriage.

While I was sitting down and thinking about what to say to him,  I let my imagination run and while i kept pondering on the issue at hand, i came to point where i started to  wonder if he actually knew what he wanted in marriage and if he did, how was he going about getting what he desired after all there were lots of random women out there and marriage spans a life time: going after any random or available woman wouldn’t just cut it.

I knew he said he was old enough, I believe he was financially stable but I kept wondering if being old enough and being financially stable were the only criteria for determining someone’s readiness for marriage.

Don’t get me wrong these are must haves and I wouldn’t expect you to get married to a whining cry baby or get married to a lady and then make her starve in your house.

I knew he had an idea of what marriage was but I kept wondering if he had thought about the specific components that would make up his home.

Had he ever sat down to imagine how the relationship between himself, his wife and kids would be?  Had he thought about the kind of countenance he would want his wife to have, what were his predominant thoughts about his relationship with his wife what did he envision his kids becoming in the future? These questions also apply to the ladies.

Proverbs 23:7 says “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he”. Our thoughts are so powerful that they create a physical structure in our lives and as you go on in life you come across lots of things and people that would want to identify with you but if these things or people do not fit into the structure you have created, they gravitate or fall away. Likewise, if you get employed in a well structured organization and you can’t conform to the rules and regulations of the organization, there are two things that would most likely happen. You either quit your job or you get fired from the organization. Either way you are out.

For those that feel like they have been rejected or made inferior in their relationships, the thing is, you just don’t fit into the person’s structure. It may either be a good thing or a bad thing it depends on how you choose to see it. There is this quote I love so much “you can’t fix a square peg in a round hole”. At this point I know someone will ask me this question. Why are players very popular with the ladies? The answer is simple. They are popular with them because they have trained themselves to believe that they can get any girl they want.

The key word here is TRAIN. Whenever you want to venture into a new terrain be it marriage, business, etc in as much as you spend more time researching to know the pros and cons of this chosen area, spend ample time meditating on the desired outcome. Remember as a man thinketh in his heart so he becomes and remember even if the negative shows up you have so much positive vibe in you that will be strong enough to knock off the bad.

Finally if you do not tailor your thoughts to suit your hearts’ desires, your life would end up being a dump site for any and everything; be it good or bad. I encourage you to spend time creating or recreating your world with your thoughts or live with the consequences.

Copyright @ Jaelash  June, 2012

Share

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Do Not Cut Him Out

I was flipping through the web and stumbled upon this bible passage John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” And I started looking at it from the marriage point of view and was amazed at how many people including Christians leave God out of their marriages. Even those planning to get married leave God out of their marriage plans. I am not even talking about seeking God’s face when picking out a life partner we would have to leave that for another day. I am talking about the little stuff like holding hands and speaking God’s words into your marriage or potential marriage.

It’s amazing but true that people plan to get married without getting the author of marriage himself involved or they get married and move around like God doesn’t exist and when trouble shows up they begin to panic because they have either been disconnected from their source (God) or they were not connected at all in the first place.
I can imagine trying to turn on the light bulb when the power has been disconnected for not paying your electricity bills or expecting your house to be powered by electricity when no connection has been established prior to this time. You and I both know that that’s not going to happen. You either have to pay your electricity bills or you get some power connection in your house.

All I am trying to say is this….. God is the life line of every marriage do not cut him out or forget to continuously include him in yours, let alone plan to get married without getting him involved because marriage can be likened to a very long ride and believe me you are going to need his company along the way. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT CUT HIM OUT you are going to need him.

Share

Posted in Marriage | Tagged , | 3 Comments

Does Marriage Ruin Everything?

 

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she kept going on and on about her boyfriend, she talked about how smart, good looking and gentle he was. She went on to say that they had been dating for over 20years and I was shocked so I asked what are you guys waiting for? Why don’t you get married? And her response was MARRIAGE RUINS EVERYTHING.

She went on to say that she had been married a couple of times and none of them seemed to last for more than 5 years. She said the men were good, they were in love but that there was just something that seemed to happen once they got married and it ends up ruining everything and now that she isn’t married to her boyfriend they have been together for over 20 years.

            Sad to say but there are many people out there who feel the same way. However, marriage itself does not ruin relationships rather; the people involved are the ones who do ruin it.

When dating or courting, people tend to be generous and not selfish. They tend to pull out all the stops to make each other happy; they find time for each other.

 For some strange reason when people get married I think they develop this “sense of duty”…… they tend to get carried away by their spousal duties that they forget to nurture the thing that brought them together in the first place.

The fact that you are married should come with benefits/blessings attached to it. Marriage shouldn’t be a curse. Marriage is supposed to be an upgrade or an enhancement to your relationship…….

            When you say something has been enhanced or upgraded, it means that it has been empowered to yield better results. God instituted marriage to yield better results. That’s when I hear scriptures like “1 can chase a thousand but 2 can put 10 thousand to flight I get excited because I know that as a married lady I and my spouse have been empowered to cover more grounds.

In as much as marriage leads to having kids, more responsibilities, it should also lead to creating a stronger and enjoyable bond between you and your spouse. It shouldn’t lead to the end of the loving relationship you shared with your spouse prior to marriage.

Proverbs 4:18 But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. In order words the law of diminishing effect shouldn’t be taking place in your marriage. In a marriage context, the love that exists should only get stronger and stronger. If yours seems to be diminishing, you better start seeking positive ways to fan the flames.

When things start going sour I’ll advice you to:

  • Start with a relationship check. You and your spouse need to assess your relationship with God. Make sure that the communication lines between you, your spouse and God are still open.
  • Try to find out what has changed in each other between your dating years and now. Look out for things that could have changed for example not spending enough time together, the probability that you might be taking your spouse for granted, etc)
  • Make sure that you are not keeping your marriage in the back seat while you focus on other things such as kids, work, pleasing other people etc.

Finally, this list in no way exhausts all the possible causes for problems in marriages. Please feel free to add some more suggestions so that other readers will be informed.

Having said that, marriage is such a beautiful thing and it’s an empowerment to prosper or cover greater horizons. You may reading this article and you are married and you may not getting along with your spouse or your marriage doesn’t look like it has been empowered to prosper in order words your marriage doesn’t look either appealing or attractive . I want you to take a moment and think about what you desire your marriage to be (loving, financial breakthroughs, quiver filled with healthy and well behaved kids, peaceful, etc).

Hold your spouses hands if you can and begin to speak these words into your marriage. For it is God’s desire that you walk in the fullness of the blessing that marriage has got to offer.

Share

Posted in Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | 11 Comments

Courtship Dating games

 

This post is dedicated to all those out there who at one time or the other have either made some wrong dating choices, made a bad choice of a partner  or are currently in a relationship that is headed towards marriage.   

            The average person wouldn’t wake up one morning see a child molester, wife beater, gold digger, a lazy woman or better still someone with NO FUTURE AMBITION and still get married to such a person.

If such a case exists please seek counseling or send me an email. With divorce rates and unhappy marriages at an all time high coupled with stories such as: “we dated for 2 years and my husband was cool calm and calculated but after we got married he changed and started having anger management problems. In fact his out bursts of anger have become alarming.” Or “Oh my God! She is so lazy and demanding how come I never knew”.

The truth is this, you may have always known. The next question I anticipate from the reader is….. How could that possibly be?

My Response is: If you can be sincere with yourself and think long and hard enough in most cases you will agree that these character traits that are being exhibited by your spouse have already been displayed prior to marriage in one form or another but in tiny bits and you ignored them. I guess you assumed you could handle them.

 Whenever your dating, courting or doing whatever you are doing I would advice that whenever you come across strange character traits, always pause and ask yourself if  can handle it or how you are going to be able to handle it if this trait ever gets fully blown.

 Let’s say you are getting married to a well known player, chances are that he might still be a player when he gets married to you. NOTE I am not saying he will be cheating on you. The key WORD here is MIGHT.

 Likewise a lazy woman or man. Do not expect him/her to become hard working over night. I mean it’s possible for the person to change over time. 

Now lets take a look at a different scenario where guy or lady who is too busy with work to spend time with you during courtship. Now you do not need a prophet to tell you that this is an obvious red flag. If you can handle the loneliness by all means please ride on.

 These are only words of caution and not absolutes. My advice to you is weigh all your options and leave no stones un turned before you leap.

Note at the end of the day no one is perfect and I am not saying that because you find some character flaws in your proposed spouse you should quit the relationship all I am saying be careful in making your choices and know the character traits you think you can handle or those you know that you can’t accept and take it from there. For example there are guys who can’t stand ladies that are lazy or filthy in that case it would be adviceable for you to let such a lady go. Likewise there are those who wouldn’t mind a lazy lady because they do not mind cleaning up after her or doing the household chores. Again it’s all about choices.

Finally, do not get married to an ungodly spouse and expect them to be Godly. If you get married to them they may or may not change and even if they do change you may have to go through a really crazy path for that to happen. Hence its a lot easier to just get married to a Godly spouse.

 

Copyright@ Jaelash May, 2012

Share

Posted in Courtship/ Dating | 4 Comments

Discernment – An important tool to have

 

After reading the title I guess you may be saying “oh wow she has gone spiritual or churchy on us”. Desperate times like these call for real measures to be taken.

            Whenever you turn on the news stations or go on the internet you see headlines like “divorced after X weeks of marriage”, “Jack beats up Jill” “Jane gets married to John a week after Sam”. “Sue cheats on Billy”. It just feels like one of all those soap opera’s. Hence, the importance of discernment can not be overemphasized.

Discernment is the ability to perceive, uncover and bring to light that which is hidden. If you read my last post “The marriage company” we established that most people seem to change after they get married and that it might have been that they were pretending to be nice or it could also be something that happened unconsciously too.

            Whatever the scenario may be, we need to be able to discern or read in between the lines. My husband says he Knows when people are lying. He says when you ask them a question and they want to lie, their eyes roll upwards and move to the right. I know it sounds funny and it may be true. However; there are people who have mastered the art of lying and deception such that they lie spontaneously. In fact they can even scale through the lie detector or the polygraph test. The question is if you come across such a person, what will you do or how will you know if the person is being real or fake?

            The bible says “the Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God” (1 Corinthians 2:10). With God’s spirit fully operational in your life you will be able to accurately discern between good and evil. Now am not saying you will begin to see men with horns or women with claws (do not rule it out though LOL) but you will get to a point were in as much as you LOVE this person you may begin to feel uneasy. You know the feeling you get when you feel like there is just more to this person than meets the eyes – trust your senses and let go.

            Also you may be thinking that the ability to discern is to be used just for picking out a spouse on the contrary it can be applied to all aspects of our lives. Haven’t heard about kids that were seemingly perfect, had straight A’s, went to church, came from good homes etc in a nutshell they had everything going on for them and you wake up one morning to hear that they committed suicide. When things like this happen people begin to wonder what happened but if the kid had someone that had a strong spirit they would have known that something was wrong.

 Finally there are many ways in which discernment can be applied in our lives be it our jobs, friends, hmmmm now that’s a touchy subject you know those friends that smile with you and behind your back laugh at you. The ability to discern will shine the light on some really goofy friends so you will know how to compose your self around them.

I’d like to stop here because I can go on an on But this is about marriage right? I would encourage everyone to build up their spirit man so that when you are faced with certain situations, you would not necessarily be waiting on someone to tell you what to do but you would either know what to do or have an idea on what to do.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on this. I look forward to learning from you.

Copyright@ Jaelash May, 2012

Share

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

The Marriage Company

 

Marriage is like setting up a company. You do not want to set up a company with someone who has totally different views from you. If you do, your marriage can be likened to a disaster waiting to happen.

A good company hires employees who not only have the qualifications that fit the job description, but they hire employees who will also fit into the company’s corporate culture. In other words do not pick a spouse solely on looks, the amount of money in their wallet or some other physical standard you might have set up. All these in themselves are good. After all I wouldn’t expect you to get married to someone that you are either ashamed of or someone that you are not attracted to. That in its self would be a ridiculous expectation on my part.

However, you also need to consider how or if this person will fit into your visions, goals and purpose. You can start by answering following questions. What has this person got to offer and how does it align with your overall vision and plan for your life bearing in mind that you are supposed to be a team?

Having answered the question you can now decide to either go ahead with your marriage plans or call it quits. It might be painful if you have to quit the relationship but it will be worth every bit of it in the long run. It’s sad to say but COMPATIBILITY in this area is a commonly overlooked feature when choosing a spouse. When people skip this process and they tend run into problems, and we start hearing comments like ‘we are not compatible’, ‘we are getting divorcé’, ‘we have irreconcilable differences’, ‘we do not have the same goals’ and so on. These are things that should be looked into during COURTSHIP instead of running in and out of each other’s legs…… No offense intended for real but there are more important issues to concentrate on besides you’ll have more than enough sex when you get married.

Having said that, it is common knowledge that during courtship people do not let their guard down but after marriage, when they become more relaxed and comfortable, we begin to see them for who they truly are (This act might either be conscious or unconscious). Hence people start asking this question. How do I know that there are no massive skeletons in my proposed spouse’s closet?

Different people have their answers to this question but I will say you need to have the ability to discern.

Stay tuned for more on discernment.

Copyright @ Jaelash May 2012

Share

Posted in Marriage | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

A little comic relief

A little comic relief wouldn’t harm anyone

I know this is supposed to be a post about relationships and marriages but I guess a little comic relief wouldn’t harm anyone. Below is a conversation that transpired between my four year old kid Elle and her dad.

 

 

Day 1

ELLE: Dad can I have a snack
DAD: You get breakfast at school, you can have some when u get back.
ELLE: But I’m not the one who wants it my tummy says it wants it.
DAD: Tell your tummy it can have it when it gets back from school.
ELLE: but daddy my tummy has no ears so it can’t hear me.
DAD: does it have a mouth?
ELLE: daddy that’s funny, of course not.

DAD: then it can’t eat cos it doesn’t have a mouth can it?

DAY 2

ELLE: Daddy my tummy wants some snack.
DAD: but how did it tell u, it has no mouth? Remember?
ELLE: uhmmmm… Sign language?
DAD: Wow! But how will it eat?
ELLE: The tummy was sick yesterday so the doctor took out the mouth, ears and eyes but the tummy is now ok and the doctor put it back.
DAD: Laughs and let’s the tummy have its way.

Copyright @ Jaelash April 2012

Share

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments